


maybe it's a case of paranoia (cry when no one's watching),

by Raging_Nerd



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous Age, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, POV Ben Hargreeves, Sibling Incest, let them be happy, no beta we die like ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-20 21:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20682497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raging_Nerd/pseuds/Raging_Nerd
Summary: “Get out,” his brother grits out, and Ben has no energy to fight his words. He sends a fleeting glance at Vanya, who stretches towards him but is ultimately blocked by Five.And so he leaves, not turning back until he’s behind his own room doors. It doesn't take very long before Ben crumples to the ground, allowing himself to cry as he wanted the moment he saw Five and Vanya together.He cries himself to sleep that evening, not realizing he left his book on the floor until his eyes roll into the back of his head.or,Ben finally gathers the courage to tell Vanya how he feels, except when he does, what he sees isn't what he was told to believe.And then he realizes some things.





	maybe it's a case of paranoia (cry when no one's watching),

**Author's Note:**

> ALTERNATIVELY CALLED AUTHOR SAYS BENFIVEYA RIGHTS
> 
> Please enjoy it!

Ben was nervous.

In all honesty, paranoid was probably the better word to use in this situation: standing outside of Vanya’s door with a book in his arms, frantically running a hand through his hair to make sure all his bangs stayed in place; grasping the doorknob, before letting go as if it burned him, only to grab on to it again.

He was going to tell her today. He was going to tell Vanya that he liked her.

Except he was stuck outside her door, stressing about whether she’d return his feelings. 

The truth is that Ben wasn’t always friends with Vanya. He only started speaking to her when he went to meet Five in the library and found her instead. It was awkward to say the least, but she was reading one of his favourite books that day, and Ben couldn’t help but point it out.

When Five showed up ten minutes later, his blue eyes were wide at the sight of his younger siblings gushing over novels that he had deemed “childish and a waste of time.”

Ben presses the book he held closer to his chest, trying to slow his breathing. He had feared for a little bit that Vanya only had eyes for Five, but when he asked her she punched his arm and told him to “be more mature; that’s incest Ben,” and he decided to ignore the pink flush on her face.

Of course he thought about himself for the longest time, wondering if the feelings he felt for Vanya were incestuous or not. But then he remembered that Luther and Allison are together  _ way _ more than he was with his little sister, so maybe it wasn’t really that bad.

They weren’t even blood related, he muses, but they were raised as siblings, so it was kind of weird to say the least.

He passes a hand through his hair one more time, before pushing Vanya’s door open. His eyes remained on his book as a pink flush coated his cheeks, only to have all words die on his lips at what he saw.

There on Vanya’s bed was Five--  _ his _ older brother Five --who currently had Vanya in his arms, and Vanya--  _ Vanya, _ his little sister and crush --was smiling up at him as if he was the most important thing to her in this whole wide world.

So, naturally, Ben doesn't flinch when the book falls out of his hands and onto the floor with a loud thump.

Five and Vanya, however, jump away from each other immediately, and Five turns to look at the door with something akin to anger, when he realizes Ben was watching them. Vanya’s eyes widen comically as she skitters off the bed to reach for him. “Ben, wait,” she pleads, arms extending for him but he jerks away from her. 

The hurt in her eyes are immediate, and Ben feels regret almost instantaneously. But her and Five together means she lied. Not on purpose of course, but she lied and led him on.

He ignores the tears welling up in his eyes, clenching the trim of his jacket in an effort to ground himself. 

Vanya refuses to touch him, but her concern radiates like the plague. She’s talking to him, he sees her mouth moving, and yet he can’t hear anything she says. Ben feels his brother’s gaze from where he sits on the bed, and Ben craves to know how he could remain so nonchalant in a situation such as this.

Ben turns back to Vanya, who’s mouth continues to ramble, and he doesn't realize he has tears running down his red hot cheeks until Vanya words become too much.

“Shut up!” He yells, eyes widening at the ferocity of his words. His mouth parts as Vanya begins to cry, and he backs away from her slowly, shaking his head until he’s an arm’s length away.

Five finally moves, teleporting so he separates the two of them.

“Get out,” his brother grits out, and Ben has no energy to fight his words. He sends a fleeting glance at Vanya, who stretches towards him but is ultimately blocked by Five. 

And so he leaves, not turning back until he’s behind his own room doors. It doesn't take very long before Ben crumples to the ground, allowing himself to cry as he wanted the moment he saw Five and Vanya together.

He cries himself to sleep that evening, not realizing he left his book on the floor until his eyes roll into the back of his head.

\---

Ben avoids them for weeks.

Days would be more accurate, but he shied away from them nonetheless. Dipped out of conversations when Five would joined in; slipped out of the library when Vanya came to grab a book to read; kept his head low when they sat at the dining table--

He just tries his best to stay out of their way.

Right now, he’s wrapped up in his room, drowning in the sixth novel he’s picked up since he found out about Five and Vanya three days ago. His heart clenches at the thought, and he shoves the book away. It’s not fair, he thinks, trying to read words that seem to blur into each other. Why do Luther and Allison, and Five and Vanya get to be happy, while he has no one? Even then, Diego has Mom, and Klaus is so weird he entertains himself.

Ben was so lonely.

All he wants is someone to lean on when times get rough; someone to go to when he can’t depend on his own wits and self-care to keep him going; someone who will see him for him and think he’s perfect.

And yes, there’s fanmail, and all the kind girls and boys who write such wonderful letters to him, expressing their love and admiration despite the monster they all know he is. Ben knows he relishes in their attention; relishes in the glory and pedestal they’ve put up for him. But he knows it will never be as high as his other siblings. Everyone likes Spaceboy and the Seance more.

He’s just the Horror. A monster.

Ben sighs, lying down and lifting the book over his head. Maybe he could read all the pain away.

It will take a while but he’s sure he can do it.

\---

It isn’t until a month and a half has passed does Vanya approach him.

Ben stares up at her with wide eyes, confusion taking over his features. She swallows, sitting next to him, and Ben follows her movements with interest, eyes flickering across her features as she turns to look at him, mouth parting as she begins to speak.

But Ben can’t hear her. Not now.

He’s drinking in every part of her like a man who hasn’t seen water at all in his life. Taking in her honey eyes, and how they look so sad. Watching as he long brown hair falls across her shoulders, moving with every little shift she makes. He allows himself to get lost in her; lost in the lilt of her voice, before he remembers.

She’s Five’s. Not his.

“--Ben are you even listening to me?” she asks, and her brother jumps, and Ben has the audacity to look bashful. Vanya sighs, shaking her head before starting over.

“I just wanted to say that I am sorry,” she begins, and Ben looks at her carefully, trying to mask the surprise that threatens to break his facade. “I shouldn’t have told you I didn’t like Five, when we both knew that I did.” A pause. “I feel so so bad for hurting you, and I understand if you don’t forgive me. It wasn’t very nice…”

Ben swallows, anticipating her next words. 

“Five and I want you to meet us in my room, after dinner tonight,” she says, brushing her dress as she stands. Ben stutters, mouth opening and closing in shock. “Don’t think too much of it. Just come,” she adds, before walking out of the library with a slight bounce in her step.

Her boldness was unexpected, he thinks, watching the place he last saw her with vague interest. But he still didn’t understand what she meant…

To say the least, Ben was very confused, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to comply.

\---

It was well after curfew, and most of the patrons in the Hargreeves house was asleep. Save for Ben, and his two favourite siblings, who he knew were awake and waiting for him in Vanya’s room.

He chuckles at the familiarity of the situation, the only difference being the closed door. Ben found it amusing how it was only a month ago he was standing outside of Vanya’s door, ready to open it and spill out his heart. What he saw hurt him, but he’s willing to hear her out this time.

Ben takes a deep breath, opening the door, and stepping inside quickly. He made no noise as he shut it behind him, heart quickening at the sight of Vanya and Five watching him expectantly.

His sister’s honey gaze was soft, gentle even, as she watched him with something much like relief. He smiled at her and she returned it easily, rendering his heart erratic as he took in her straight hair panning out around her head. 

Ben’s eyes met Five’s after a moment, and he wondered how his brother felt at the sight of Vanya smiling at him. Did it annoy him? Did it make him jealous? Ben squashed the thoughts as he approached them, and Vanya patted the space in between her and Five. That would explain why they were so spaced out when he first came in.

He feels Five’s eyes on the nape of his neck when he turns to look at Vanya, but he ignores it, choosing instead to cut to the real reason she-- rather,  _ they _ \--requested he came to see them.

“We felt bad,” Five says, much to Ben’s surprise. He turns to watch his brother, awaiting the rest of the explanation. “It wasn’t fair to you or Vanya that I was the only one who could tell her how I feel.”

Ben frowns before his eyes widen in disbelief.

“That’s why you asked me if I liked Vanya when we were in the alcove, wasn’t it?” he inquires, but there is no venom in his voice. Five nods, blue eyes distant before finding his brother’s brown ones again.

“When you told me that you didn’t know, I panicked internally. I knew Vanya liked me, but we both knew she acted the same way with both of us, so I could have never been too sure,” he states, eyes lacking any show of a lie. Ben turns to look at Vanya for conformation, releasing a shaky breath when she nods, face turning red almost instantly.

His sister takes his hand when Five doesn't make any motions to elaborate, and Ben suddenly feels overwhelmed. Vanya smiles at him, and he doesn't know why his chest seems to be tightening at the sight of honey under dark eyelashes.

“You can tell me how you feel now,” she whispers, and Ben watches Five, but is only met with a challenging glare.  _ Don’t chicken, _ Five seems to say, and his brother nods slowly.

“I… I didn’t know what I was going to say the first time actually,” Ben admits, relaxing just a bit when his siblings don’t press him for answers. “Telling someone you like them is difficult, especially if the relationship you have with them isn’t exactly ideal.”

Ben sighs. “You already know that I’m awkward. I can’t talk in interviews and freeze when I’m in trouble, but I just want to say that you’re so--” he pauses, looking at the ceiling with the hope that the perfect word will fall down. “You’re so perfect, Vanya.”

He blushes, glancing at Five but not daring to look at his sister. “I like when you play your violin when I read, or share your thoughts with me after you read a book I recommended. I appreciate it when you come into my room late at night to help me when I don’t feel well. I love helping you do your hair because it’s all so pretty--” he stops then, looking; looking at Vanya now, and her expression almost brings him to his knees. 

Her eyes were wet with unshed tears, but she’s smiling, wrapping her arms around his neck as she pulls him into a hug. Ben sags against her, pulling her closer to him, and she grasps at his back as if the contact they had wasn’t enough.

“When I walked in on you and Five, I realized I couldn’t have you,” he says against her hair, and he holds her tighter to him when she tries to pull away. “I was too late, but Six does come after Five, and everyone does like him bet--”

Five grabs his shoulder, shoving him against the wall beside Vanya’s bed. “Don’t you ever say that again, do you understand?” he hisses, and Ben watches him with wide eyes. “You are not second place, not to her, not to me, and you are most definitely not sixth in the fucking family.”

He doesn't stop the tears this time, crying until he can’t anymore. Five’s arms twitch on his shoulder lamely, until he finally pulls his little brother into a hug. Vanya’s arms wrap around his frame too, holding him in an embrace that he can finally,  _ finally, _ lean entirely against.

Ben doesn't know how long they stay like that for, but when they part, he knows he’s made up his mind.

“Vanya,” he says, looking at her. Hundreds of possibilities go through his mind, pointing out everything wrong with what he was about to say-- but then she smiles and all his worries seem to fade. “I like you.”

“That’s wonderful, Ben,” she breathes, smile growing as she twists a lock of brown hair around her finger. “Because I’m pretty sure I like you too," she finishes and Ben sighs.

Her smile is contagious, and he laughs when Vanya hugs him one more time. The aura seems to fad when he remembers the elephant in the room. Five is watching him curiously, blue eyes raking across his face as if he was looking for something… proof, perhaps.

“Five,” Ben begins, but the older raises a finger at him, effectively dismissing whatever he was about to say.

“I’m willing to see how this works,” Five says, shocking both of his younger siblings yet again. This doesn't seem to deter him in any way. “We both like Vanya, and that’s fine. Let’s see how we balance each other out.” 

Their sister smiles at his words, pulling Five down to kiss his cheek. “Thank you!” Vanya exclaims, even though the soft tone of her voice makes it sound almost like a yelled whisper. “This means a lot to me,” she admits, and Ben smiles at her, brushing a strand of hair out from in front of her face.

“It means a lot to me too,” Ben whispers, and he doesn't have to look at his siblings to know they’re smiling too.

**FIN**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated!
> 
> Much love, <333


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